AskRebecca Question

Hi Rebecca,

I’m going through a divorce again is it best just not to marry again?

Lori

Hi Lori,

I received your question regarding whether or not you should get married again since you are going through another divorce. I hope I am able to give you some insight into yourself regarding your current situation. This is not about your partners who I fully know played a role in the demise of your relationships as well. However, blaming without taking responsibility for your actions will do nothing to help you become aware of yourself in order to have a successful relationship in the future.

I feel it is necessary for you to really take time for yourself, figure out who you are, what you want out of life and reflect on your past relationships and what your role was in the ultimate demise for each of them. Once you have figured out how to love yourself and accept yourself exactly as you are, then and only then will you know whether or not you want to marry again. 

Divorce can make us feel like we are failures in love and relationships. Try not to beat yourself up or feel ashamed that you have been divorced multiple times. Stop yourself from looking at this as a bad thing and instead see it as a blessing on the path to experiencing a brand new you, a self loving, self empowered you by learning from these experiences. Shit happens. We make choices for ourselves based on where we are emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically at any given moment. It is what it is and it was what it was. Ultimately these relationships weren’t meant to last and were meant to be a catalyst for you to have some self realizations about yourself. They were also a lesson in taking responsibility for your choices.

The key now is to become aware of yourself and some sabotaging behaviors you have when it comes to relationships. You have some deep emotional scars which keep you from fully allowing yourself to experience real love. Your heart is tucked away in a box surrounded by chains and a lock.  Fear of abandonment, betrayal, and insecurities about yourself cause you to subconsciously sabotage relationships. You are constantly waiting for your worst fears to be realized. 

I’m going to share some truths with you about yourself. I want you to understand I am telling you this to help you make positive changes within yourself. Awareness of yourself will help you create and live a more empowered life. You’ll be able to make choices from a space of love instead of fear. Knowledge of self is power.

Your insecurities and fears cause you to choose partners with the exact same issues. You are a magnet for the emotionally unavailable. Since you are unaware this same issue exists within you and can only see it in your partners you tend to try and fix them, change them or push them away. The fear of being alone or abandoned causes you to seek security by pushing the relationship towards marriage without ever really allowing yourself to enjoy the process of courtship to get know each other. You instantly fall into the role of what you believe a wife should be doing even before you are married. Your insecurities about yourself cause feelings of unworthiness. On some level you feel you are unworthy of love so you do everything in your power to prove your love to your partner with expectations and hopes of receiving the same in return. You can be so aggressive in the way you try to prove your love by doing everything for your partner they become complacent and lazy. Which leaves you feeling resentful, unappreciated and unloved. At the same time you try to control every aspect of the relationship and your partner that you end up coming across as desperate, needy, insecure, and somewhat of a control freak. You also keep all your feelings bottled up that eventually something will trigger an emotional outburst which leaves your partner with the perception of a drama filled relationship. Which leaves you feeling guilty and fearful of abandonment. You find yourself apologizing a lot. You have the power to change these learned behaviors. I’m more than happy to help you on your journey of self discovery and self love if you choose to seek some guidance.

Learning how to properly communicate your feelings in a relationship is vitally important. Be clear and specific about what you want in a relationship with your partner before getting married. Be honest with yourself about what it is you want and need to feel loved in a relationship. Then communicate it with your partner. Reciprocate the same by allowing your partner to express what they want and need to feel loved. Then compromise and discuss it all. The only reason for not being yourself and communicating your feelings, wants, desires, and needs is fear of rejection. If the person rejects you, so what. Don’t take it personal. It just means they do not have the same wants, needs and desires or are incapable of giving you what you need. Great, now you know to move on to someone who does. No settling ever. There is no need to settle when you have love of self.

 My advice is for you to take a time out from relationships with anyone other than yourself. It’s time to focus all of your energy on you. Start by getting back in touch with your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve and heal from all the hurts in your life. Forgive yourself and anyone else who has ever hurt you. Go get a makeover to feel good about yourself. Do all the things for yourself that you do for others. Put yourself first. Let go of all your fears and insecurities by acknowledging them, accepting them and then be courageous to take action steps towards your goals.

Free your heart to allow it to love you unconditionally. 

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